Going the distance

tonight I'll be alone

alone again like any other night before

reading and writing doesn't help

music and movies hit nothing anymore

life seems empty

when I thought It'll be fulfilling

so depressingly annoyyed

with everything that don't matter

I feel like puking everytime i woke up from sleep at night

When I look around in the dark

search for light and guidance

lost in my own thought

I got no distance left to run.

Lonesome

I'm sort of lonesome when I wrote this. lonely is a tiring feeling if I may describe the way I see it. It is a feeling that kinda makes me worried at the same time. Not like I've got nothing more to worry about for instance I've got this examination for the training I've been attending for four goddam days. I was suppose to study and don't get me wrong I've planned toward it when Aliff asked me to watch a movie. X-men: the first class that is. I'm not really fancy about the movie but at least that's the plan for wasting time tonight.

So I was just light up my ciggarete when Aliff walked in. He was just took a shower and got inside his room where I've been crashing since the 1st day of my training. He make a funny move/dance to tag along with music I've been listen to. I tagged along and we both laughed at our own stupidity. Stupid is a very subjective word. You can excel at school and still been called stupid when you make a mistake at office. How do we measure our level of stupidity till at some point we can count ourselves as certified morons?

Can you die out of loneliness? what are reasons to be lonesome? I was looking out of aliff's window to get some fresh air when I saw a guy revved hard his car engine. I can feel how suffer the engine would be. How hard the combusted fuel pumped the piston up and down. Silence doesn't always the reason that leads to loneliness feeling. I still feel it even surrounded by that noisy son of a bitch. He finally stopped and went inside his house. He'll continue again tomorrow night I guessed. What's with you people with your car performance ego anyway. I mean I work in mechanical engineering field. I understand how engine works and all. The thing that fascinated me is how it actually could works rather than overspending money to be a fucking show off asshole.

This entry not going to make any sense. I probably suffered the emotional breakdown sickness. probably should continue studying on this lubricant control nonsense and I just noticed that I'm out of my Dunhill 20's. Crap.

Eat, Pray, Love

To attend a wedding invitation, for me, I must be really close to the bride/bridegroom or otherwise, it doesn't mean anything to me. I might be high on magic mushroom when I write this so i apologize for any offended feelings. Most of us malays have a fear/culture of thinking that "if we didn't attend our friends/relatives wedding ceremony, they won't attend our's" well i think that's pure crap.

And what is the importance of invitation card anyway? I know i need them as a map and it really helps to remind me about the date and all but that's just it. If you feel like cherishing the couple and they deserve to be celebrated or just to pay respect to their invitation, doesn't matter if they invite you through facebook or SMS or with fancy invitation card, you should just come. Or, in any way u feel like your presence would be really appreciated then get your lazy ass to their wedding ceremony. A fancy invitation card doesn't represent people honesty and hope for you to come. They're just some paper with malay/arabic words printed in it. nothing more. yeah and some prayer words. don't get me wrong I respect every pray to god but I don't think you people even read it before you throw it away.

I'm not really into social event kind of guy. I hate to be around people I don't really know. I'm not blaming society when I'm just being a lazy fuck who didn't come to his friends wedding day. If you're a mate then you deserve my respect. You don't have to make a big fancy invitation card to invite me surely I still come to your big day (subject to my working hour, still) if I got the chance to. I've failed to attend some wedding ceremony and I still regretted it because you guys are my friends and a friend deserve my respect. Wedding ceremony is about a day you announce to the people who didn't know that you're married to your partner. It's about chance for families, relatives, friends, colleagues and other people you invited to share your happiness on your big day. You don't want people who tend to complaint about the food taste or talk bad about your wedding day to come.

This is just a thought of mine. A personal opinion that might change as I grew older and perhaps, wiser. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's about acceptance to the society doesn't matter how bad they treated us so we just have to invite them all. Maybe I'm just being fucked up for thinking too much.

Hasbulah, Zatie and Eddie, Aji, Caduk and Ako, I definitely want to come to your wedding. I will if I got the chance to.

and here's your good old wish guys. Selamat Pengantin Baru dan selamat berbahagia dengan pasangan :)

p/s : my English sucks. but you know what I mean right?